Occasion Card

If dad can't fix it, it's fucked.

You gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding lol

Thanks for being my favourite parent (after mum)

Happy Birthday Dilf!

Happy Birthday! From your favourite financial burden x

Thanks for knocking mum up and making me <3

Sorry for swearing all the fucking time. I got it from my dad.

Happy Birthday Week!

Just in case you don't get any D on your birthday, you can suck on these. Happy Birthday babe!

Happy Birthday month you diva!

Happy Birthday old bitch! From your better looking, younger sister.

A year older and still a wanker

Only dickheads are born in June. Happy Birthday bro!

Happy Birthday to my favourite penis

Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive, Happy Birthday!!

Today we celebrate the day I left your vagina. Happy Birthday Mum!

Did you fall from a vending machine? Because you lookin like a snack

I choo- choo- choose you

Roses are red, violet are blue. You weren't my first choice, but I guess you'll do x

Happy Consumeris- I mean Valentine's Day!

Don't worry — no one loves you any other day of the year either!

Happy Galentine's Day, ya lonely bitch!

Will you be my bitch for the day?

Will you be my bridesmaid? I promise to put you in something that shows off your ass and legs xx

Enjoy, because your diet starts now! Will you be my bridesmaid?

I need someone to wear an ugly dress so that I look prettier in mine. Will you be my maid of honour?

Someone needs to hold my wedding dress when I pee. Will you?

I have my mister, now I need my sister! Will you be my bridesmaid?

Bitch, I need you!

I'm engaged, but we know he's really marrying us both. WIll you be my bridesmaid?

Crying over a guy? Nah babe, pick your head up queen. Your tiara is falling

Once upon a time, a princess lived in her own castle, with her own money, with all the things that she bought and paid for herself. Putting her first because men are deadass cunts. The End xx

Don't worry babe, he was punching anyway. Your vag deserves better x

Donuts before dickheads. Eat up babe, he was punching anyway x

Congratulations on your divorce! We hated her! So take a shot, you finally untied the fucking knot!

You're too pretty for a small dick anyway xx

What do you call a woman with no asshole? Divorced!

Baby, I wish I could think of a proper message to write, but all I can think of is how much I want to come and put you over the desk at work! What time's your break?

Roses are red, grass is green. I like your legs and the thing in between!

The calories you eat when you're on your period don't count. Eat that donut babygirl

Just because x (I'm not even trying to score a root)

Love you and your massive penis x

Thanks for all the orgasms

Hope you enjoy putting your fingers in these holes as much as I enjoy putting mine in yours x

Fuck your diet baby. More cushion for the pushin x

So the pull out method doesn't work aye? LOL Congrats on the baby!

Congratulations on the baby! My thought are with your vagina at this time x

You know how you noticed my boobs getting bigger? It's because your sperm was a winner!

Congrats on your pregnancy! May your labour be as easy as you were x

Why doesn't anyone congratulate a man for getting his wife pregnant? This box is to celebrate your super sperm bro x

I hope these donuts taste as good as I do … fucking delicious! Happy Anniversary Baby x

You satisfy me in ways that usually require batteries x

Thanks for all the orgasms the past 2 years xx

Thanks for keeping me moist. Love you x

Enjoy this box as much as you enjoy mine. Happy Anniversary boo x

We made it!!

Thank you for being an amazing boyfriend and giving me attention so that I don't die x

Sorry for being a dick

I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry x

Sorry for farting around you all the time

I'm not sure what I've done, but I'm apologizing anyway. Forgive me yet?

Sorry for being a shit cunt.

Sorry for being moody. Do you still love me?

Fuck you for finding a new job! Who am I meant to bitch with now??

Farewell cunt-a-saurus! You will be missed

We heard you're leaving? Good.

How dare you want career progression! Did you not think about my feelings??

I hope your exams are as easy as you are xx

Fuck your exams! You can always be a stripper.

Shoutout to those who helped you graduate today: Wikipedia, Google, Copy & Paste. Happy Graduation!

I'm sorry my giant head ruined your vagina. I love you x

Of all the vaginas in the world, I'm glad I fell out of yours x

Thanks for being an amazing mum, I'm sorry only one of us turned out great. It's not your fault (it's an odds game). Love, your favourite child

You got what you wished for, my kids are a pain in the ass too!

I think being your child is a big enough gift

I'm sorry that I was such a little shit when I was younger

I promise to move out eventually x

Thanks for not swallowing me x

Thanks for shagging dad. That couldn't have been easy... Way to take one for the team!

Cancer is a big C

You=1 Cancer=0

May your chemo give you superpowers x

You beat cancer! You're so badass x

You've got this!

Fuck cancer! You're so much stronger than it

Sorry I invited to you to a super-spreader party. Get well soon!

Happy day 2347391 of lockdown!

Put on some quarantine kilos, sweaty x

Enjoy your day of Zoom calls, sweatpants, and walks to the fridge!

Well, 2022 is cancelled.